A lot goes through my mind as I sit to type this down…don´t know where to start.
Ever been in a situation where you feel stuck? Not literally the meaning of stuck, but you question a lot of things…thoughts out of know where … moody but not exactly moody? I know it sounds complicated but let me explain.
So this is how my day started. Snoozed my alarm about five times this morning… was I just sleepy? I don´t know. Or maybe it´s because I slept late, pat midnight ish? No idea
I´m working from home at the moment, been a few days in. a week or so. My routine? Get out of bed, open the windows, shower, do my morning face care routine, dress up, comb my hair, make my bed then prepare breakfast. Maybe do the dishes, sometimes I do sometimes I don´t. Just realized I do the dishes when he´s around just to avoid him. When I’m alone my sink would stay full till evening.
So, after taking breakfast, I’d watch an episode while I eat on whichever series am currently watching before sitting down for work.
Today I was late by around 2hrs in doing all these things, and I apparently don´t feel guilty about it like I would normally feel other days. Couldn´t start working immediately, also don´t know why, kept scrolling through my phone, smoking …finally started on my tasks at a few minutes to 11am. By quarter to 1pm I had submitted a few things. Couldn´t proceed from there. Again, started scrolling through my phone for about an hour, got tired. Went to the rooftop for a few minutes, got bored came back. Now it´s 2.11pm while I write this.
How do I feel? Confused. Lost. Unsettled. Out of place. I keep trying to think of something I can do or eat to get me back to my normal self but I come out blank. Ps I haven´t been eating well these past few days. One meal a day, that´s breakfast and something else before 6pm and that´s it. I don´t get hungry through out the day but I literally convince myself that I need to eat something. Well at least I manage to take a fruit or two every day.
Everything else, nothing fits right or so I feel. My boyfriend has been staying over for over a month now. And I can´t say the relationship is okay at this point. Leaves early, comes back late slightly drunk, showers, sometime eats then sleep. No conversations there, nothing special that other normal couples do or so I think… Maybe I´ve watched too many movies. Anyway, he´s not actively present for me to start a conversation and let out how I feel or whatever´s in my mind. I don´t have friends. Maybe two but I am the silent kind. I hardly share what I am feeling or what I am going through but I am a very good listener. We will laugh when we meet, have a nice time then back to my apartment and zip up. So friendships that´s a whole different story. I remember around late last year I was having one of these moments so I tried reaching out to him over text, I think I texted ‘am feeling bored and out of place, not able to focus’ his response ‘ ni nini tena’ it crushed me coz I thought he was the only person who understood me and I’d feel safe talking to him about how I’m feeling you know? I guess this pushed me to keep it all in.
I used to love reading , I have three new books that I haven´t touched while before I’d start reading them immediately I get them. FYI I got this amazing book, Beyond by Michelle Obama, I used to yearn to read it before, but since I was able to borrow one from the office early December last year, couldn´t go past page three. I´m a prayerful person and I read the bible a lot. Now I can only manage to pray for about a minute or two, haven´t read a scripture either for weeks.
Nothing seems to excite me anymore. I find nothing interesting on tv or social media. And now as I write this, I don’t even feel like cooking dinner. This is sad.
Have you ever been in this situation before? How did you handle it because I feel lost and alone.